Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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