and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
