You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
