So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
