Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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