my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We're too hungover to prance.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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