I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
