I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
