I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
