Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
