Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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