low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
