There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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