yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
