I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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