That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
