If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
