I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
