Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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