I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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