we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
