Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
