He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
