I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
