I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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