When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
