Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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