I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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