I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
