Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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