why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
