My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
