whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
