So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
