My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
