i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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