i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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