My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
