Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
even my farts smell like vagina
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
