You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
