Heybabeimwearingurpanties
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
