weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
