So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
