John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
