I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
