We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
