Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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