in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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