I'm lost and stupid without you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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