I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
