Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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