just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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