And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
