Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
