Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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